I Hate Everything Page 2

  I hate that maps have boundaries.

  I hate that when I play “someday I'm going to live here” on a globe, I end up in the ocean.

  I hate that Star Wars was a long, long time ago …

  I hate that I will never be able to own every Star Wars action figure.

  I hate that Chewbacca's career is limited to the Star Wars movies.

  I hate that it took thirty years to finish the Star Wars saga.

  I hate that there are only six episodes.

  I hate that I can't growl like a Wookiee.

  I hate that the Force is not strong with me.

  I hate auto lease fees.

  I hate that the free public library has late fees.

  I hate that they probably need that fifteen cents I had to pay them.

  I hate wasting checks for small amounts.

  I hate that my checkbook is never balanced.

  I hate that it's never in my favor.

  I hate that blood makes me queasy.

  I hate that I don't have more blood to donate.

  I hate when speakers crack.

  I hate when people don't care about their plumber's crack.

  I hate cracking the spine of a new book; I feel like I'm killing it … like a lobster.

  I hate eating a whole fresh lobster.

  I hate that those eyes just keep staring at me.

  I hate the green, gooey slop inside.

  I hate that I love melted butter.

  I hate that I can't believe it's not butter.

  I hate feeling obligated to look at peoples' photo albums.

  I hate empty liquor bottles.

  I hate warm beer.

  I hate wasting beer.

  I hate singing “Happy Birthday.”

  I hate that you have to let kids blow out your birthday candles.

  I hate that they have more birthdays left than I do.

  I hate that it's bad luck to whistle inside the house (whistling may be one of the only things I mildly enjoy, dammit).

  I hate superstitions.

  I hate that there isn't always cold pizza in the fridge.

  I hate that my mailbox is on the curb.

  I hate laziness.

  I hate that I'm well past puberty and still get zits.

  I hate facial hair.

  I hate shaving.

  I hate that laser hair removal costs so much.

  I hate my family genes.

  I hate living with someone.

  I hate being alone.

  I hate that my neighbors' lawns look awesome.

  I hate that I'm not retired so I can't work on my lawn all day too.

  I hate that it makes me look like a lazy bum.

  I hate when all my surrounding neighbors' homes are for sale.

  I hate that my home is smaller than my friends' homes.

  I hate that I don't make more money.

  I hate that all soap isn't liquid.

  I hate using someone else's soap.

  I hate when my friends don't clean their toilet bowl rings.

  I hate cleaning toilets.

  I hate those strands of hair that cling to the shower wall.

  I hate that I don't have a maid.

  I hate putting up Christmas lights.

  I hate when the light strands are all knotted.

  I hate that one little bad bulb makes all the other lights on the strand go out.

  I hate when it's time to take down the Christmas lights.

  I hate when people leave their Christmas lights up all year long.

  I hate that I don't have the audacity to do that myself.

  I hate that stores put out back-to-school stuff while I'm still shopping for a bathing suit.

  I hate that I never start my holiday shopping earlier.

  I hate that tissue paper really doesn't hide the gift.

  I hate when reused gift bags have somebody else's name on them.

  I hate using cool-looking stamps.

  I hate that postage keeps going up.

  I hate that mailing a letter is still one of the few bargains available.

  I hate that it costs the same to mail a letter across the country as it does across the street.

  I hate that I don't keep in touch better.

  I hate running out of ink.

  I hate meaningless Facebook posts.

  I hate that you think I care what you're doing right now.

  I hate that I don't have more Friends.

  I hate cavities.

  I hate getting told every time I go to the dentist that I don't floss enough.

  I hate that I don't floss enough.

  I hate people who obviously never floss.

  I hate taxes.

  I hate that politicians can be corrupt.

  I hate that there's an animal called a jackass.

  I hate being politically correct.

  I hate trying to open new music CDs.

  I hate that every CD case I own is cracked (usually caused by trying to open them).

  I hate renting movies that some sticky-fingered kid has drooled on, causing the movie to skip during the best scene.

  I hate that skipping is just for kids.

  I hate that they grow up so fast.

  I hate that so do we.

  I hate that shopping carts love being affectionate with my car.

  I hate when the heater shuts off and I'm still cold.

  I hate changing filters.

  I hate allergies.

  I hate white noise.

  I hate silence.

  I hate public hot tubs.

  I hate the long, unsightly hair that grows out of moles.

  I hate that wool makes me itch.

  I hate that I have so many scratch pads.

  I hate that I can never find one when I need it.

  I hate that everything isn't scratch and sniff.

  I hate when you forget a wine bottle opener.

  I hate when people enjoy blush as a fine wine.

  I hate that people age wine but never drink it.

  I hate saving a good bottle for a special occasion.

  I hate that I never have an occasion special enough for it.

  I hate that all wine doesn't age.

  I hate that I never played spin the bottle.

  I hate that I have played truth or dare.

  I hate it when people are late.

  I hate that, no matter how hard I try, I'm always late.

  I hate that I never really could yo-yo.

  I hate that other people can make it look so easy and fun.

  I hate that the world isn't still flat.

  I hate that greedy people have claimed ownership to the earth's oil.

  I hate oil.

  I hate that my state bird is so small.

  I hate that I never see my state bird.

  I hate that the city smells.

  I hate that pizza is so greasy.

  I hate that paper plates are so thin.

  I hate that my pants aren't oil resistant.

  I hate that all fruit isn't seedless.

  I hate that all soup isn't chunky.

  I hate that all nuts aren't salted.

  I hate that they still put beets in salad bars.

  I hate when lunchmeat works its way out of the back of the roll.

  I hate when there aren't turkey leftovers.

  I hate that turkeys don't come bigger.

  I hate big family dinners.

  I hate that old chocolate gets funky.

  I hate that printer ink cartridges cost more than my printer.

  I hate when the waiter can't pronounce gnocchi.

  I hate that I never get to see a volcano erupt.

  I hate that ice cream bends my spoon.

  I hate that I still have these same flimsy, old utensils.

  I hate that pots and pans lose their ability to be nonstick.

  I hate that everything isn't nonstick.

  I hate seeing people pick their nose while driving.
r />   I hate that there really isn't a safe place to pick your nose.

  I hate feeling so dirty after riding the subway.

  I'd hate the subway if it were clean too.

  I hate that I buy the new fashion trends too late.

  I hate knowing that there are better options for everything I own.

  I hate that there are dog-breed-specific products with pictures on them that don't look anything like my purebred.

  I hate that my dog is always watching me.

  I hate that my dog doesn't listen.

  I hate that it probably got that from me.

  I hate that my dog can't talk.

  I hate that, secretly, I think cats can talk.

  I hate stupid movies that waste two hours of my life.

  I hate that no matter how bad a movie is, I still need to finish it.

  I hate that TiVo wasn't invented before the VCR.

  I hate that my dream was to own a video rental store someday.

  I hate that I did.

  I hate that Polaroids are a thing of the past.

  I hate that I never developed that roll of film.

  I hate that I don't know what's in my junk drawer.

  I hate that I have more than one junk drawer.

  I hate that I can't fit a car in my garage.

  I hate that there are only fifty-two Saturdays a year.

  I hate that I only get sick on the weekend.

  I hate that I don't get snow days off anymore.

  I hate that it hasn't snowed since I bought a snowblower.

  I hate that it doesn't snow every Christmas.

  I hate morning eye crust.

  I hate that I'm always hungry.

  I hate that SpaghettiOs are for kids.

  I hate that Saturday-morning cartoons aren't nearly as good as they used to be.

  I hate when Slinkies go bad.

  I hate finding grinds in my coffee.

  I hate finding stickers on my fruit.

  I hate that stickers don't taste better.

  I hate licking envelopes.

  I hate running out of stamps.

  I hate missing the mailman.

  I hate junk mail.

  I hate that my computer is already outdated.

  I hate that software needs updates.

  I hate that I want a flat-screen even though I have a TV with a huge screen.

  I hate that I bought everything big, and now smaller is the way to go.

  I hate that bigger isn't always better.

  I hate slugs.

  I hate that “first day of school” smell.

  I hate that we still don't get summers off.

  I hate when summer is over.

  I hate that the city is so close to the suburbs.

  I hate that I can hear a highway when I try to sleep.

  I hate that every time we adjust for daylight-savings, I seem to lose an hour of sleep.

  I hate that I have to get up to pee at night.

  I hate wetting my bed. (Okay, I don't anymore, but I hate that I used to.)

  I hate that I will probably wet my bed again.

  I hate that the only good part of an artichoke is the heart.

  I hate that my heart is an open book.

  I hate that Frank Sinatra is gone.

  I hate that flour is enriched.

  I hate that I don't know what it's enriched with.

  I hate that alcohol has adverse effects.

  I hate that some of those effects are yet to come.

  I hate that bar people get more attractive as the night gets later.

  I hate that I don't.

  I hate stupid souvenirs.

  I hate when people don't bring me back a souvenir.

  I hate cruise ship photos.

  I hate that I look so good in every picture that I have to buy them all.

  I hate that I can never refold a map.

  I hate looking into an empty fridge — again — and hoping something will appear.

  I hate that mini-fridges aren't bigger.

  I hate finding an empty ice-cube tray.

  I hate that Vanilla Ice still doesn't kick out more catchy tunes like “Ice-Ice Baby.”

  I hate that they took the awards away from Milli Vanilli.

  I hate that I can't blame it on the rain.

  I hate stretching.

  I hate combination locks.

  I hate that locker-room smell.

  I hate pretending that I like sports.

  I hated showering after gym class.

  I hated that I developed late.

  I hated that they developed early.

  I hated puberty.

  I hate that one is bigger than the other.

  I hate that you know what I mean.

  I hate when people ask you for help because you are good at something.

  I hate helping people move.

  I hate when they don't help you on your moving day.

  I hate that I carpeted my home with trendy colors.

  I hate that I didn't know magenta and turquoise were going to be trendy.

  I hate that pasta sauce is attracted to white.

  I hate that whiteout takes so long to dry.

  I hate that I can't reach the number keys when typing.

  I hate that if it's not on a list, I forget.

  I hate lists.

  I hate not knowing everything.

  I hate that people still call me a smart-ass.

  I hate that people don't realize I'm always right.

  I hate that cheating on exams wasn't easier.

  I hate playing by the rules.

  I hate that I never learned to drive a stick shift.

  I hate seeing big, seven-passenger SUVs with one person in them.

  I hate that “blood rushing to your head” feeling when police car lights come on behind you.

  I hate when the cop rushes past you after you get that feeling — for no reason.

  I hate that my fireplace doesn't burn wood.

  I hate public displays of affection.

  I hate that people aren't more romantic.

  I hate that you have to take three aspirin … why not just make one big one?

  I hate swallowing horse-sized pills.

  I hate the smell of a smoker's car.

  I hate that the word ginormous officially became a word.

  I hate school loans.

  I hate that school loans are so … dammit … ginormous.

  I hate parents who don't talk about anything else but their kids.

  I hate that I don't have kids to have anything to talk about with them.

  I hate that you now know that I don't have kids.

  I hate that you've already assumed that I don't have kids.

  I hate you for making me think about the snot-nosed brats I still don't have.

  I hate kids.

  I hate bags of chips that only have four and a half chips in them.

  I hate that my home-cooked fries don't taste like McDonald's.

  I hate that nobody really knows if salt is good or bad for you.

  I hate that I love salt.

  I hate finding lipstick on my diner coffee mug.

  I hate leaving a tip for someone who doesn't deserve it.

  I hate when I don't get a tip.

  I hate when people give you unwanted advice.

  I hate when someone gets to the free stuff before I do.

  I hate that my cassette player takes up valuable space.

  I hate that I keep it around for the one cassette I might play someday.

  I hate that I don't know where my cassettes are.

  I hate that my teen mix tape was probably left in a car I sold years ago.

  I hate that someone else is still laughing at the songs I had on that tape.

  I hate being the chauffeur because I have the largest car.

  I hate that nobody kicks in for gas money.

  I hate that the Internet wasn't around when I was in school.

  I ha
te that technology keeps getting smaller, but my fingers stay the same size.

  I hate that babies have fat fingers.

  I hate that wind chimes don't always chime.

  I hate the wind.

  I hate that you saw that coming.

  I hate being predictable.

  I hate that I can't afford things on the menu that are “market price.”

  I hate that seafood tastes like the sea.

  I hate that sunsets are prettiest on tropical islands.

  I hate that I don't have more vacation time.

  I hate that after watching Titanic four times they didn't see the iceberg any sooner, not even once.

  I hate that Rose didn't make room for Jack on that piece of wood.

  I hate that she said she wouldn't let go, but did.

  I hate that you know I liked Titanic.*

  *It was for the historic aspect, I assure you.

  I hate that you know I'd be lying if I told you I didn't cry each time I watched Titanic.

  I hate that I can't blame that on dust in the air.

  I hate dust.

  I hate that the air on a plane has to be recycled.

  I hate that the cool stuff to see is always on the other side of the plane.

  I hate that there aren't enough pillows.

  I hate the fear that the airline lost my luggage — again.