I Hate Everything

  I Hate Everything.

  Matthew DiBenedetti

  Copyright © 2010 by Matthew DiBenedetti

  All rights reserved.

  This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher; exceptions are made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.

  Published by Adams Media,

  a division of F+W Media, Inc.

  57 Littlefield Street,

  Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A.

  www.adamsmedia.com

  Interior illustrations and design by Elisabeth Lariviere

  Cover design by Frank Rivera and Jessica Faria

  ISBN 10: 1-4405-0638-8

  ISBN 13: 978-1-4405-0638-3

  eISBN 10: 1-4405-0958-1

  eISBN 13: 978-1-4405-0958-2

  Printed in the United States of America.

  10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  DiBenedetti, Matthew.

  I hate everything. / Matthew DiBenedetti.

  p. cm.

  ISBN 978-1-4405-0638-3

  1. Conduct of life — Humor. 2. Pessimism — Humor. 3. Pessimism — Poetry. I. Title.

  PN6231.C6142D53 2010

  818'.602 — dc22

  2010029129

  This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information with regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional advice. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.

  — From a Declaration of Principles jointly adopted by a Committee of the American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations

  Many of the designations used by manufacturers and sellers to distinguish their product are claimed as trademarks. Where those designations appear in this book and Adams Media was aware of a trademark claim, the designations have been printed with initial capital letters.

  This book is available at quantity discounts for bulk purchases. For information, please call 1-800-289-0963.

  This is fondly dedicated from the pit of my soul to all those special people who have helped me build this compilation so easily. You know who you are. Thanks for nothing good … except for this.

  I hate that some people will be upset that my book wasn't dedicated to them. Trust me — you don't want this dedication.

  Contents

  Introduction

  So Much More to Hate…

  Acknowledgments

  Who Is This Author Who Hates Everything?

  Introduction

  This book of “Hate” was compiled for people like me, who have turned to wholehearted pessimism. We weren't always like this. We used to want to believe that there were plenty of things to be happy about every day, things like rainbows, warm cookies, and candy canes. However, life has worn us down. We now can see that the glass has always been half empty, and that there is really so much to hate. Once you accept this truth, it kind of sets you free and you begin to enjoy it. You can openly express yourself and quickly find that you're not alone. So many people love to hate too!

  I appreciate that you are one of those people, even though I probably could find things I hate about you … but that's all in the fun of it. I hope you enjoy hating everything with me.

  I hate that hate is the way so many of us warm our souls.

  I hate that I don't have a soul.

  I hate that sunrises happen so early.

  I hate that sunsets happen so early.

  I hate daylight-savings time.

  I hate that I have to keep changing my password.

  I hate that I have to keep my password written down next to my computer.

  new password

  re-enter password

  I hate that I always get stuck with the small slice of pizza.

  I hate that he has a bigger TV than me.

  I hate seeing peanut butter in the jelly jar.

  I hate songs that bring back memories.

  I hate things that you feel compelled to do annually.

  I hate poetry.

  I hate finding out that the Easter Bunny doesn't exist.

  I hate that now people say Santa doesn't exist either?!

  I hate thinking there is a ghost in every old house.

  I hate that there may be a ghost in my house.

  I hate that the ghost is always watching me.

  I hate thinking that the ghost is my grandma.

  I hate that you only need to exercise for twenty minutes, three times a week to be fit.

  I hate that I waste more time than that.

  I hate that I'm still not fit.

  I hate when people don't embrace change for the better.

  I hate change.

  I hate the better of two evils.

  I really hate the worse of 'em.

  I hate waking up on the wrong side of the bed.

  I hate when people ask me if I have.

  I hate that the snooze button doesn't last longer.

  I hate waking up at the witching hour.

  I hate drooling in my sleep.

  I hate when I don't have my pillow.

  I hate when people cramp my space.

  I hate that not everyone likes to cuddle.

  I hate that breakfast isn't served past 11:00 A.M.

  I hate when people eat breakfast for dinner.

  I hate when people don't follow rules.

  I hate procrastinators.

  I hate that mullets went out of style.

  I hate people that think they haven't.

  I hate the water that magically appears in a mustard bottle.

  I hate that it ruins a perfectly good sandwich.

  I hate wasting food.

  I hate that I'm overweight.

  I hate that I have fat clothes.

  I hate that I'm wearing my fat clothes.

  I hate that I don't get an allowance anymore.

  I hate that I still have to take out the trash.

  I hate that once you use lip balm, you're hooked for life.

  I hate that everything on the Internet isn't true.

  I hate that the newspaper isn't delivered to the doorstep.

  I hate dainty, yappy dogs.

  I especially hate their prissy owners.

  I hate that I don't have a green thumb.

  I hate that plants don't tell me when they are thirsty.

  I hate counting down to the New Year.

  I hate that it's just another lousy day about to start.

  I hate that good food is bad for you.

  I hate that manure is used to fertilize vegetables.

  I guess you can understand why …

  I hate vegetables.

  I hate that I can't cook.

  I hate that dog food smells pretty good.

  I hate that spell checker isn't always write.

  I hate that the corduroy sound isn't louder.

  I hate polyester.

  I hate that linen wrinkles.

  I hate the skin that forms on the top of pudding.

  I hate that figgy pudding isn't even pudding at all.

  I hate the thought of going bald.

  I hate that I still make fun of bald people.

  I hate karma.

  I hate having low self-esteem.

  I hate that coffee doesn't stay hot.

  I hate that the cup still says “hot contents” even after it has cooled.

  I hate that they have to print that on the side of the cup.

  I hate that sugar packets are so small.

  I hate that coffee creamer can be nondairy.

  I hate
coffee breath.

  I hate that I need coffee.

  I hate that when you pluck a gray hair, three more take its place.

  I hate the time I found my first gray hair.

  I hate that I named it.

  I hate that it has the same name as my ex.

  I hate running into exes.

  I hate seeing that an ex is clearly doing well without me.

  I hate that I only remember the good times with my ex.

  I hate that the only good times with the ex were the day we met and the day we broke up.

  I hate speed bumps.

  I hate that I breathe the same air as everyone else.

  I hate that all planes don't skywrite.

  I hate dieting.

  I hate remote controls that have too many buttons.

  I hate that it takes seven remotes to watch one TV.

  I hate not knowing how to tie a Windsor knot.

  I hate clip-on bow ties.

  I hate removing Band-Aids.

  I hate hairy knuckles.

  I hate that they sell pickled pigs feet.

  I hate watching movies with people that have already seen them.

  I hate movies that don't have happy endings.

  I hate that everything doesn't come with a happy ending.

  I hate that I'm immature enough to giggle at that.

  I hate when leaves fall in my yard.

  I hate that my yard doesn't have any trees.

  I hate that my neighbors are so close.

  I hate when clothes sent to the dry cleaner come back with new stains.

  I hate confrontation.

  I hate that nervousness makes you sweat.

  I hate T-shirt sweat stains.

  I hate Mercedes drivers who think they own the road.

  I hate that they probably do.

  I hate that SUV drivers think they are invincible.

  I hate that my SUV isn't invincible.

  I hate poor gas mileage.

  I hate that sugar tastes so good.

  I hate that diet-soda aftertaste.

  I hate that all metal isn't heavy.

  I hate water that tastes like metal.

  I hate when water only dribbles out of public drinking fountains.

  I hate using the lower kiddie drinking fountain.

  I hate coming in contact with anything that is for public use.

  I hate songs sung blue.

  I hate that everybody knows one.

  I hate that everything isn't always Smurfy.

  I hate that Smurfette was the only girl.

  I hate that their language actually makes sense.

  I hate when it's hard to find the English portion of an instruction manual.

  I hate having no patience.

  I hate building models.

  I hate that puzzles take so long to finish.

  I hate that I just want to find one more puzzle piece before I stop.

  I hate wasting time.

  I hate typewriters.

  I hate that kids today can text faster than I can type.

  I hate that I don't have the latest iPhone.

  I hate that technology moves so fast.

  I hate that I thought beta video, laser disk, and HD-DVD would catch on.

  I hate having to purchase my favorite movies yet again, to fit my new player.

  I hate buying movies that I only watch once.

  I hate movies that don't let you escape from reality.

  I hate tank tops on guys.

  I hate that more girls don't wear the Sarah Connor military-style tank top.

  I hate that Sarah Connor can do more pull-ups than me.

  I hate that I'm not the future leader of the resistance.

  I hate that I'll never have a Terminator as a bodyguard.

  I hate that the school bully always said, “I'll be back.”

  I hate bullies.

  I hate group photos.

  I hate fake smiles.

  I hate stale cookies.

  I hate when nacho chips get jammed into your gums.

  I hate when people don't tell me that I had something stuck in my teeth.

  I hate that my belly button no longer has a purpose.

  I hate that everyone doesn't migrate south for the winter like geese.

  I hate that adding an s doesn't make everything plural.

  I hate that the people of earth don't use one language.

  I hate that movie aliens can speak English.

  I hate that nobody has caught the Loch Ness Monster.

  I hate big feet.

  I hate finding change on the restroom floor.

  I hate that I'm too cheap to leave it for someone else.

  I hate rest stops.

  I hate washing my hands in a public restroom, then opening a dirty door.

  I hate when fish tastes fishy.

  I hate that everything “tastes like chicken.”

  I hate when people have birds as pets.

  I hate that all pets can't repeat what they hear.

  I hate that my pets fart.

  I hate that I can't always blame the pet.

  I hate that pets don't outlive humans.

  I hate the smell of expired milk.

  I hate that milk doesn't last longer.

  I hate milk.

  I hate this font.

  I hate that every time you open up a book, it flips to the same page.

  I hate that all books aren't on tape.

  I hate getting books as gifts.*

  *Except this one.

  I hate writing Christmas cards.

  I hate Christmas picture cards … yeah I know, I haven't seen your family in over a year … and yeah, your kids are still ugly.

  I hate that I don't get any Christmas cards.

  I hate kitten calendars.

  I hate that my skin gets dry in the winter.

  I hate when someone asks me to help them lotion their back.

  I hate that more things don't come in a tube.

  I hate when I forget coupons.

  I hate that whenever I pull a number at the deli counter, it's always last.

  I hate standing in lines.

  I hate that amusement park rides are never worth the long wait.

  I hate doing laundry.

  I hate when people catch me wearing socks with holes in them.

  I hate how socks sag when they are soaking wet.

  I hate stepping in a puddle when wearing just socks.

  I hate that missing socks are never found.

  I hate that major sports teams are named after socks.

  I hate that I can't throw a ball.

  I hate broken crayons.

  I hate the color lime green.

  I hate that all water isn't Caribbean island blue.

  I hate red lights.

  I hate brown M&Ms.

  I hate that apples brown so quickly.

  I hate that stringy stuff down the inside of a banana … and, I hate that brown thing at the bottom of a banana.

  I hate that fruit is so phallic.

  I hate testing fruit for freshness at the market.

  I hate gutting pumpkins.

  I hate that I don't know when to hold 'em or when to walk away.

  I hate that I'm afraid to play craps.

  I hate that they call it craps.

  I hate that I have crappy luck.

  I hate that casinos don't have clocks.

  I hate the carpet styles in casinos.

  I hate when they implode historic casinos.

  I hate that old casinos still exist.

  I hate rough towels.

  I hate tacky hotel paintings.

  I hate that my hotel room is never near the ice machine.

  I hate that my hotel room always smells like smoke.

  I hate that there are never enough pillows in a hotel room.

  I hate hotel pillows.

  I hate hard beds.

  I hate that dust bunnies gather under my bed.

>   I hate finding bugs trapped in my tub.

  I hate that lightning bugs don't stay lit.

  I hate that the rotary phone went away.

  I hate that some people don't even know what a rotary phone is.

  I hate that there are hardly any phone booths nowadays.

  I hate that Superman is running out of places to change.

  I hate that superheroes don't really exist.

  I hate that villains do.

  I hate changing smoke alarm batteries.

  I hate changing my flat tire.

  I hate changing someone else's flat even more.

  I hate that all cars don't come with a full-size spare tire.

  I hate that my “spare tire” isn't in my trunk.

  I hate that trucks still kick out so much smoky exhaust.

  I hate that there are three types of gasoline.

  I hate that new sports cars don't rumble like old hot rods.

  I hate that it's not encouraged to run idiot drivers off of the road.

  I hate trash on the side of the road.

  I hate when people ask if my new outfit was a gift.

  I hate that frumpy, comfy flannel pajamas aren't sexier.

  I hate that people think overalls look good.

  I hate that cut flowers don't last forever.

  I hate when people don't light candles because they're “decorative.”

  I hate scuffing up new shoes.

  I hate that we don't use the good china every day.

  I hate that there aren't enough reasons to use the good china.