I Hate Everything Page 4

  I hate that there aren't more music videos like “Thriller.”

  I hate that some people get a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame who clearly don't deserve one.

  I hate that they don't just give Oscars to the old actors. (This might be their last chance!)

  Have I mentioned I hate getting old?

  I hate that they cut speeches short at the awards shows.

  I hate that awards shows go on too long.

  I hate when they pair movie stars together for comedies.

  I hate that they don't put them back together again in more movies.

  I hate romantic comedies.

  I hate that it still isn't the Renaissance period.

  I hate sequels.

  I hate that lightsabers don't really exist.

  I hate that fairy tales don't come true.

  I hate that my Rubik's Cube still isn't solved.

  I hate wet newspapers.

  I hate Mondays.

  I hate when people watch a dog do its business.

  I hate that people see my dog do its business in their yard.

  I hate when dogs do their business in my yard.

  I hate when the sheets aren't fresh.

  I hate changing the bed.

  I hate the pressure of Valentine's Day.

  I hate that Easter isn't as big as Christmas.

  I hate that people don't make a big deal out of my birthday.

  I hate empty cookie jars.

  I hate that other careers pay more than mine.

  I hate that my guidance counselor didn't tell me that.

  I hate that it's harder and harder to get into the holiday spirit.

  I hate when I miss my favorite holiday TV shows.

  I hate that they don't play A Christmas Story all year long.

  I hate when old men whistle.

  I hate seeing old people hold hands.

  I hate when your date points that out.

  I hate double-dating.

  I hate being more interested in the other person's date.

  I hate being compared to exes.

  I hate that my Spidey senses don't tingle.

  I hate kissing people upside down.

  I hate that the hero always gets the girl.

  I hate that capes aren't in fashion.

  I hate that I'm never the hero.

  I hate headaches.

  I hate when people use a headache as an excuse.

  I hate that most online searches reveal porn.

  I hate that you can't be online everywhere.

  I hate that Big Brother is watching.

  I hate that I don't still own my first car.

  I hate shopping carts with a bum wheel.

  I hate price checks.

  I hate when things at the dollar store cost more than a dollar.

  I hate when people ask: “How much did that set you back?”

  I hate finding out that someone won the lottery, before I checked my ticket.

  I hate thinking that I'll actually hit the lottery.

  I hate jury duty.

  I hate sneezing fits.

  I hate when people cough in church.

  I hate trendy kid names.

  I hate when babies cry.

  I hate that all children don't have leashes.

  I hate that psychiatrists' lives are just as messed up as ours.

  I hate losing the car keys.

  I hate losing games.

  I hate sore losers.

  I hate being the center of attention.

  I hate when I'm not the life of the party … but I hate when my date is.

  I hate boxed sets.

  I hate collector's editions.

  I hate that everything I've ever collected is incomplete.

  I hate that everything I've ever collected is in storage.

  I hate to part with my collections.

  I hate that the things I've decided to collect never went up in value.

  I hate return policies.

  I hate knowing other people may have tried on these clothes too.

  I hate hand-me-downs.

  I hate that thrift stores have nicer clothes than mine.

  I hate banging my funny bone.

  I hate that it's not funny at all.

  I hate grinning and bearing it.

  I hate that I don't live off the wild.

  I hate bugs.

  I hate that I can't turn people off like a robot.

  I hate that I turn people off.

  I hate that butter isn't always soft.

  I hate that stick butter doesn't need to be refrigerated.

  I hate cleaning the grill.

  I hate pulling hair out of a drain.

  I hate flushing dead fish.

  I hate emptying the dishwasher.

  I hate that I have a dishwasher, but still put dirty dishes in the sink.

  I hate when I've been told I filled the dishwasher wrong.

  I hate that Dylan left 90210.

  I hate that I knew when to clap during the intro theme song.

  I hate that nobody knows my zip code.

  I hate that TV shows are never set in my hometown.

  I hate school reunions.

  I hate that nobody will still recognize me.

  I hate talking to smart people.

  I hate that I say dumb things when trying to sound smart.

  I hate uncomfortable silence.

  I hate that the volume doesn't go any louder.

  I hate that I never get to yell Bingo!

  I hate getting nervous to ask someone out on a date.

  I hate rejection.

  I hate that I don't get to reject others.

  I hate having a conscience.

  I hate that you don't believe that I even have a conscience.

  I hate serious comic strips.

  I hate that I can't draw people.

  I hate that grunge took the fun out of '80s glam music.

  I hate that MTV doesn't play videos.

  I hate that someone else ultimately has control.

  I hate contracts.

  I hate negotiations.

  I hate that someone else profits from negotiations.

  I hate that I'm not a good negotiator.

  I hate that when I try to haggle, it usually costs me more.

  I hate cauliflower.

  I hate food that doesn't have any taste.

  I hate that you can't leave the table until you clean your plate.

  I hate that my stomach knows that it's lunchtime.

  I hate misunderstandings.

  I hate losing arguments.

  I hate that Dad is always right.

  I hate that brief moment just after a paper cut when you know the agony is about to set in.

  I hate that splinters nearly cripple me.

  I hate when people get shot on TV and it looks like my splinters hurt more.

  I hate inflatable yard decorations.

  I hate that I'm not a marksman.

  I hate losing my cell phone signal.

  I hate that everything isn't wireless.

  I hate losing money in vending machines.

  I hate that bottled water costs as much as soft drinks.

  I hate not really knowing where bottled water comes from.

  I hate missing birthdays.

  I hate that e-mail has replaced mailing cards.

  I hate that cards cost so much.

  I hate that I lose so many pens.

  I hate that I have to use cheap pens.

  I hate that old tattoos turn blue.

  I hate that I'm not brave.

  I hate the jazz music that doesn't jive together.

  I hate sweepstakes.

  I hate that I never win — anything.

  I hate that some people are luckier than others.

  I hate that we all just don't get along.

  I hate sarcasm.

  I hate when I don't know that you're being sarcastic.

  I hate that it's not polit
e to touch people.

  I hate people that get all touchy-feely when they drink.

  I hate that you can't be tipsy all of the time.

  I hate that some people seem like they are.

  I hate the smell of booze on someone's breath.

  I hate that I'm jealous of them.

  I hate humidity.

  I hate sticking to the car seat.

  I hate fake leather.

  I hate round ottomans.

  I hate the word ottoman.

  I hate when furniture doesn't fit.

  I hate that my friends don't just stop by anymore.

  I hate when people stop by unannounced.

  I hate credit scores.

  I hate credit limits.

  I hate that people can steal your identity.

  I hate that I don't know how to steal an identity.

  I hate my own identity.

  I hate that my identity isn't good enough to steal.

  I hate jealousy.

  I hate that love is often the inspiration and demise of great people.

  I hate love songs.

  I hate that nobody wrote a song about me.

  I hate that I'm so vain.

  I hate insurance.

  I hate that your insurance goes up when you finally use it.

  I hate that I didn't read the fine print.

  I hate not being royalty.

  I hate that I didn't appreciate the Beatles sooner.

  I hate that I don't own a pair of Elvis glasses.

  I hate leaving Las Vegas.

  I hate that the grass is always greener.

  I hate learning the hard way.

  I hate that payback's always a bitch.

  I hate that nothing good is easy.

  I hate looking on the bright side.

  I hate picking myself up and dusting myself off.

  I hate getting back up on that horse.

  I hate snapping out of it.

  I hate that there are more fish in the sea.

  I hate clichés.

  I hate that there are so many things to hate.

  I hate that everyone has an opinion.

  I hate that you agree with so many of the things I hate.

  I hate that when everyone finds out I wrote this book, they will tell me the things they hate too.

  I hate negative people.

  I hate having so much hate built up.

  And finally …

  In case you were wondering, “Does this person like anything?” The answer is yes, I do. Two things, actually.

  1. I like that you bought this book, which means that I'm not alone on the things I hate.

  2. I like puppies … but …

  I hate happy endings.

  So Much More to Hate …

  P.S…. I hate postscripts.

  But, if you're optimistic … just like me, and you're craving for more loathing, then proudly join many people like you to keep the hates coming, or share some “hates” of your own at:

  www.Thehatepage.com

  Twitter: WhatIHateToday

  Facebook: I HATE EVERYTHING

  I hate that I had to write www. for those two people who still don't know how to enter a website address.

  I hate that I'm addicted to social media sites.

  I hate that it's the only way that I know how to be social.

  Acknowledgments

  I hate that I've gone on this long without acknowledging the people who immediately supported the need to bring this cynical commiseration to life. Thanks to Adams Media, particularly the talented Brendan O'Neill, who creatively loves to hate with us. And to my superagent, Taryn Fagerness of the Taryn Fagerness Agency, who believed in my same vision from the moment we met.

  And to my supportive family, Mom, Dad, Marc, and Michelle; along with Jen, my girlfriend; Klara and all my friends, extended family, coworkers, neighbors, and to my puppy dogs Chewie and Madalynn — I'd like to say, you have all been a form of inspiration in one way or another; I assure you, it was only positive.

  I hate that you might not believe me.

  I hate stretching the truth.

  I hate that there isn't enough room to write out all of your names.

  Who Is This Author Who Hates Everything?

  Matthew DiBenedetti is an equal-opportunity hater. After working in the advertising industry for over twenty years, how could he not be? Matthew has worked on corporate marketing campaigns for everything from major sporting good brands and financial institutions to bookstore chains and fine china. He resides in Trenton, New Jersey, but loves to hate things worldwide.

  I hate pen names.

  I hate when good things come to an end.